BDSM IN A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE
- -Teaching by The Reverend Dasa William Griffith
- Apr 26, 2015
- 7 min read
There is division in the Christian community concerning whether or not Christians can engage in BDSM (Bondage & Discipline Dominant/Submissive Sadomasochism) practices, and if they qualify as sin. This division is even more blurred today with the larger issue of same-sex marriage at the forefront of debate.
Whether we are talking about a straight heterosexual couple or a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender union there is the factor of dominant and submissive in every relationship. One partner is naturally submissive or more subservient to the other. The cultural distinctions between the times of scripture and now are of no merit in this dialogue. We must look at this issue with open minds and open eyes if we are to address this topic properly.
Although BDSM can involve literal bondage (being hand-cuffed, tied up, etc.) and discipline (such as verbal chastisement or corporal punishment), it is best understood as a metaphorical relationship between husband and wife and in terms of spiritual submission, which is an important theme in the New Testament. Because same-sex unions were not understood then as they are today, this does not take away the liturgical practices of same-sex marriage rites in the early church. While the Apostle Paul was addressing these topics with various churches in various places, he had to customize his letters for those particular cultures.
For the sake of simplicity, I will be addressing this topic in a generalized heterosexual format, though it must also be applied to LGBT relationships.
As I have previously stated, one partner is always more submissive than the other. Take this teaching in context to your individual circumstances.
A BDSM relationship between a dominant husband and submissive wife is actually the ideal of marriage set out in Ephesians 5:22-26 taken to its logical conclusion! Whether or not a couple chooses to translate that into a sexual relationship involving BDSM practices will be strictly their affair.
Spiritual Submission - The Ideal of Heterosexual Marriage
Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is head of the wife as also Christ is head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as also Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her in the washing of water by the word. (Ephesians 5:22-26)
The husband and wife who choose to enter into a consentual dominant/submissive relationship are choosing to fully enact this commandment in their sexual life, a choice that is valid and honorable, and may bring them both deep sexual and spiritual fulfillment. BDSM, practiced responsibly, can be a tool of growth for both partners in a Christian marriage, as it allows them to more fully explore God’s plan for spiritual and sexual partnership.
It also can serve a higher purpose than just sexual pleasure. Practiced in conjunction with the teachings of semen retention and orgasm control, this practice can increase sexual energy, transforming it into spiritual energy and creating a spiritual powerhouse.
Just as we trust in the Lord in our submission to Him and willingly offer it, a wife who is submissive to her husband is offering a great spiritual gift and doing a great service for both herself and her husband. In Christianity, submission is holy. Even Christ, the Son of God, was submissive to the Father:
In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to the one who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. (Hebrews 5:7)
When God says submit He means submit completely, because He has a purpose and design for us that will not become evident until that submission takes place.
When Hagar ran away from Sarah she was sent back by a divine messenger: Then the Angel of the Lord said to her, “You must go back to your mistress and submit to her mistreatment.” (Genesis 16:9) What appears to outsiders to be an “abusive” situation may in fact have a much different meaning; in this case, Hagar needed to return to fulfill her service to the house of Abraham.
BDSM does not necessarily have to involve whips and chains, black leather, or dungeon gear - although, if partners find these props help them get in the mood there is not any given reason why Christians should not use them. There’s nothing sinful about these items. In fact, they are part of the Christian heritage. As Paul wrote to the Corinthians, I beat my body and bring it into submission, for fear that by any means, that after I have preached to others, I myself should be rejected. (1 Corinthians 9:27)
Many SM devices, such as floggers, whips, clamps, chastity belts, and the cat o'nine tails bear close resemblance to a wide array of devices used by early Christian penitents to whip their bodies and mortify their flesh. They did this to submit their bodies to Christ, to emulate his suffering on the Cross, and purify themselves spiritually and attain a closer union with God. Many BDSM practitioners describe a feeling of spiritual union with their partners that transcends physical sexuality. In my own position as spiritual leader of Oikos and Sunflower Village, my vows are such that I am designated a prior or prioress to test and enhance these vows. My prioress, in this case, is my wife and my personal spiritual superior. My observance of chastity and celibacy had to be done with her authority and agreement.
Despite the misleading impressions that such common BDSM practices as spanking, humiliation, and name-calling may give, they are only performed in the context of a loving relationship to fulfill the higher purpose of strengthening emotional, sexual, and spiritual bonds. Just as we trust the Lord, the submissive partner offers total trust to the Dominant partner knowing that the end result will be redemption and satisfaction: Let him submit absolutely; there may yet be hope. 30 Let him offer his cheek to the one who strikes it, and receive his fill of insults. (Lamentations 3:29-30)
Nevertheless, we want to emphasize that consentual BDSM relationships are neither physically nor emotionally abusive, especially not in a Christian marriage because the husband is obligated to care for his wife as Christ cared for the church. The husband must always have her best interest in mind and treat her with the utmost love and respect. However, as we will see, that does not exclude well-reasoned and loving discipline.
Loving Bondage and Discipline
Bondage and discipline are part of the spiritual tradition of Christianity, and are reflected in how a loving, all-knowing God guides his followers and instructs them in His will.
If people are bound with chains and trapped by the cords of affliction, God tells them what they have done and how arrogantly they have transgressed. He opens their ears to correction and insists they repent from iniquity. If they serve Him obediently, they will end their days in prosperity and their years in happiness. (Job 36:8-11)
As God looks after us, in Christian BDSM the husband looks after both his wife’s spiritual growth and her physical needs, and the wife submits to her husband for guidance and fulfillment. For these reasons the husband may find it appropriate to discipline her as needed, but in a spirit of love. He disciplines her as God disciplines all of us believers, and, as we read in Hebrews, this may smart at the time, but is always for our own good:
My son, do not take the Lord’s discipline lightly, or faint when you are reproved by Him; for the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and punishes every son whom He receives…He does it for our benefit, so that we can share His holiness. No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:5-11)
Of course, we are not endorsing any sort of abuse or nonconsentual violence. BDSM is not “wife beating” or domestic violence. There is a huge difference between punishment inflicted out of anger and cruelty by one person overpowering another and discipline that is meted out with love and reason, gratefully and willingly received. Those who participate in bondage and discipline and sadomasochism do so of their own free will and by mutual agreement; and, as with the Dominant/submissive relationship, it takes two to tango.
Although it may seem like the person who ties the knots or wields the paddle holds all the power, if BDSM is practiced respectfully and ethically, the power is shared. The husband should always respect the limits of his wife - with respect to pain or humiliation - so that he does not inflict any real physical or emotional harm on her.
Can a Man Be Submissive to His Wife?
This is a question of some debate, but a critical one that must be addressed. I believe that a man can adopt a submissive and servile role and allow his wife to dominate him sexually if it is absolutely clear that, outside of the bedroom, the husband is the spiritual head of the marriage.
In my role as Dasa, my circumstances in this community are unique. The nature of my vows require me to be accountable to a superior authority. I chose my wife as Prioress because of the deep spiritual and intimate bond we share, as soulmates and as husband and wife. My role as husband and father is maintained as, perhaps, my most important vows. My role as Dasa and spiritual leader to my community is that of a servant-slave, powerless to lead save for the anointing of the Elohim. My androgyny has rendered my personal bisexuality obsolete in the face of my duty before God. As slave to my community, my Prioress, and my God I am able to maintain my more temporal duties in cooperation with the other.
So, in addressing the question of a man in submission to his wife - once again, we must take the current culture into context.
Just as a woman gives the gift of submission to her husband, there is no reason why, for their mutual sexual gratification, a man should not submit his body to his wife for her use and serve her sexually. This is totally in alignment with the Biblical command that husband and wife give each other “due benevolence”; her body is meant for his sexual enjoyment and vice versa. However, this reversal of roles in the context of sexual relations is only possible due to the sanctity of the marriage bed and an explicit understanding on the parts of both the husband and wife concerning whether or not these roles carry over outside of the marriage bed.
Despite the critics of this teaching, this does NOT lead to spiritual confusion for this reason: Paul said there is no Jew or Greek, male or female, slave or free in Christ. We are all the Bride of Christ with God as the head of our homes, families, relationships, and communities. If this is understood, and both are submissive and subservient to God, with God at the head, then the details between heterosexual or gay marriage partners remains flexible to their individual circumstances.
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